I am terrified to write this.

I am not one to share my struggles or open my heart at all. I have never publicly shared my testimony, and I’m afraid some of the things I say here will be used against me, or that people will jump to conclusions that just aren’t true.

If I am so afraid, why am I even writing it? Honestly, I have no idea—except that over the past few days, I have felt an undeniable push to share it. If I am giving my whole heart to Jesus, I must follow what He tells me to do, even when it is incredibly hard.

Never Feeling Enough

Early in my childhood, I never truly believed I was enough. I didn’t believe either parent actually loved me for who I was. I felt constantly belittled by my father for being physically “weak.” My mother rarely spent time with us and often talked down on her children, making us feel like a burden.

The only thing I really cared about was school. It was an escape. My parents would never go to parent-teacher conferences because the reports were always the same: I was a great student. Part of me understood, but another part was deeply disappointed that they wouldn’t even act interested in the things that were important to me.

We never consistently went to church growing up. After my parents separated, we attended a small church down the road, but the only thing I remember was eating pancakes. Once the divorce was final, we stopped going because my mom felt judged there. By middle school, I would occasionally attend with my uncle, but I really only went for the hot chocolate.

The Confusing Question of Identity

In 8th grade, I started having what were, at the time, unexplainable thoughts and feelings. I developed a crush on a girl in my class, whom I’ll refer to as W. In the same year, I had a dream about a romantic relationship with a boy in my grade, who I’ll call X. This confused me, as I couldn’t recall ever having any homosexual thoughts before this.

The next year, I asked W to Homecoming, and she said yes. The dance was way out of my comfort zone, and I barely spoke to her. I figured that was the end of that story.

But the next week, she handed me a letter. We started writing back and forth, and eventually, the topic of faith came up. She mentioned she was a Christian but told me that we could only be friends because of my family and my sister who was married to another woman.

I never responded to that letter. I once again felt I wasn’t enough, but this time it was because of my family. I also worried that if she knew about the homosexual thoughts I had the year prior, she wouldn’t want to be friends at all.

I began to rethink things. I saw how happy my sister appeared. Maybe this was right for me. I fell into watching homosexual pornography, and it gave me a sense of relief I desperately needed. Or so I thought. Eventually, I messaged X to tell him how I felt. It didn’t go over well, and after this and another reason I won’t get into, I suppressed all these thoughts.

A New Path

During the second semester of freshman year, W apologized for how she handled the topic of my family’s religious beliefs. We started writing letters again, which turned into emails, and eventually texts, and this relationship continued through my sophomore year.

In my junior year, I transferred to a local vocational school. In a way, this allowed me to leave behind the situation with X that was spreading through the class. But it also meant I left behind W.

At the new school, I met Y. I quickly became attracted to the joy that was radiating off of her. Eventually, we became lab partners and friends. One day, she asked me to go to church. My first thought was, “Oh! She wants to spend more time with me outside of school.”

I could tell there was something special about the church from the beginning. It was almost as if it was finally a place where I felt I belonged. I attended pretty consistently for the rest of high school. I never told my family about it and even denied it; I was scared of what they might think.

During my senior year, W had asked me to prom. I didn’t think I could say no, so I agreed. Afterwards, I was filled with so many thoughts. I wondered what she would think if she knew about previous thoughts and actions. I also wasn’t sure how I felt about her anymore, especially with my thoughts about Y. A relationship with W would require me to share everything with her which I couldn’t do, so I ended up not speaking to her for quite a while. Ultimately, we would not go to prom together and our relationship would not be the same.

In the final days before graduation, I wrote Y a letter sharing my feelings for her. A few weeks later, she responded in what felt like the worst way possible: she saw me as a brother. Once again, I felt broken and worthless.

The Cycle of Depression and Sin

I went off to college on a full ride, but to my surprise, X was also there, living just a few doors down. I did everything I could to avoid him, often staying out of the dorm.

After my roommate left, I stopped spending time going out other than for food and classes. This was one of the worst things I could do. My brain wouldn’t stop spinning. I constantly replayed every encounter with W, X, and Y, wondering where I went wrong. I also started consuming way more food based on how I felt that day. Eating was a way to not think about the struggle.

I started to skip classes, became severely depressed, and lost my scholarship. I dropped out and moved back in with my siblings. Despite being around family, the depression continued, and I gave back into homosexual lust. This time, though, it felt profoundly wrong.

I fell into a cycle: I would get depressed, give into homosexual pornography and/or gluttony, and then become depressed about giving in. I was confused about why I felt awful about the homosexual thoughts. I didn’t think my family would hate me, and the world was more accepting than ever. I would begin trying to find every possible way to justify homosexuality in the Bible, but couldn’t rationally do so. I knew it was a sin.

I returned to the church, which was as accepting as ever. But two thoughts rang through my head: I began to believe I was only there because of Y and, now that she was gone (from the church), I no longer belonged. And the second was that they wouldn’t be so welcoming if they knew the thoughts I was wrestling with.

The mental battle was so severe that I started missing a lot of work. My supervisor and HR had to sit me down, telling me to fix the problem or they would have to let me go. This was the wake-up call I needed.

A Plan and a Push

I knew my job was a blessing from God, and I got my act together. The change in pace that followed was incredible. Y’s mom taught me how to drive and their family gave me my first car—perfect timing as my home situation was uprooted.

My job also led me to learn GIS (Geographic Information Systems). I went to school for my certification at no cost to me and became the county’s first GIS Technician. God was opening doors I never expected.

In 2025, I had my first dream where I felt God was speaking to me. I heard a knock at the door and saw a glowing hand. When I opened the door, a book filled my vision, and as the pages turned, While each page was too blurry to make anything out, I felt profound peace. The meaning was clear: God has a plan for me, but I need to let Him in. I thought that was the day I gave everything to God.

A few months later, I started having feelings for another woman, Z, but unlike the others, this one felt wrong. The bad feeling, coupled with other situations with my wok and parents, brought back my thoughts of not being enough. But instead of falling to sin, I honored the Sabbath the following Saturday and fasted for the day. I ended the day praying, asking God for direction.

I closed my eyes and allowed God to speak to me. My vision filled with a bright, watery blue color. I felt a spiritual push to be baptized. The next day, I went to my church and asked the pastor to baptize me. A few weeks later, I’d be baptized which gave me the greatest sense of fullness and joy. I realized this is what I was chasing after this whole time, His love!

I have no idea what God’s plans are for me. All I know is that He has it written. Even though I still sometimes deal with the thoughts of not being enough, I find complete and total peace in God.

Even if no one walking on this earth loves me, I know my Heavenly Father does.

His love is enough.